Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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