I think I won the penis lottery.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
