I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
