you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
