He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
