I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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