I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
