Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
