I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
