Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
