and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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