how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
