My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
