Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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