He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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