dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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