I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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