do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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