I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is classic penis vs brain.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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