Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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