Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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