I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it hurts more in the daytime
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
