Don't make out with my wife yet
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize