dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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