He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
