Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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