true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
