My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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