every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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