So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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