I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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