Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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