yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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