you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
