When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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