I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize