I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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