He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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