the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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