it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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