I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
