Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
