Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
