Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
