Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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