My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
