I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
