Got a toothbrush?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
