I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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