i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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