I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
