i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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