I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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