i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
