If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
