Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
