I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
being pregnant is like rehab
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize